Starting my sales career 15 years ago, I had absolutely no negotiating skills…..none, nada. Prior to getting married my father negotiated all major purchases. After getting married that responsibility was relegated to my husband. To give myself a little credit I did negotiate for an eel-skinned pocketbook in Tijuana, Mexico one time and did rather well for myself, I think (the transaction was done using my college Spanish and the currency was pesos).
So when I found myself in a profession that required good, no great, negotiating skills I recognized there was a problem. My reaction was similar to how I react to virtually everything….get educated. I began the process of reading books on negotiation, asking those who I viewed as strong negotiators, and attended any and all seminars on the subject. But most importantly, I practiced. These years of negotiating practice has lead me to educating others on this topic.
Although my classes on negotiating have much content, I ask students to pick three changes that they can put into action immediately that will make them a stronger negotiator. Over the years I have come to realize the feedback from students concentrated around one change….personal pronouns.
I know what you are thinking…..what do personal pronouns have to do with negotiating? A lot, actually. But before we talk about how to use (or not use) personal pronouns in negotiating, let’s go back to elementary school and remember what they are.
A personal pronoun takes place of specific nouns like the name of a person. We use these pronouns in place of a name typically because repeating a name over and over diminishes the flow of the sentence. For example, Tom bought a new car. He loves it (“he” being the personal pronoun). Personal pronouns are: I, me, we, us, ours, you, your, etc. For a complete list or pronouns and more about them, you can visit www.yourdictionary.com
Now back to the point. One of the objectives in the negotiating event is to prevent the other party from becoming defensive. Defensiveness can impede the progress of the negotiation. One of the quickest ways to promote a defensive response is the use of personal pronouns. Let me provide you an example….”I don’t understand why you made that counter offer”. This statement looked at from an objective eye is simply asking for the reasoning behind a counter offer. But because it was couched in a personal way (by using the word “you” and “I”) the listener can quickly go on the defensive. Another way of saying this statement would be, “My client would like to understand the thought process behind the counter offer”.
As a negotiator learning to neuter your sentences can provide a better experience for both you and the party you are representing. So the next time you are negotiating just stop and think about how to strip out the personal pronouns.